OK IM GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHT HERE.
If you cant handle TALKING about poop, then just click that "x" in the corner of the screen. Because this involves poop.
AND IT'S HORRIFYING
Ok. So, today Brandon and I decided to have some boy/girl time. Jack and B went on a "Man Mission" this morning to buy a new lawn mower (which is funny because I'm the one who cuts the grass). That lead to our "girls mission" to be had after nap.
We head to our "mall" aka the BX on post, have a lovely girl time at Starbucks drinking strawberry frapps and GTLs #sobasic. We rode on the motorized car and helicopter, went up and down the escalator, and bought some putty and minions to bring home to the rest. Ya know, just your typical "best day ever" in the life of a 3.5 year old.
I should have known from the smug look on her face something was coming.
So, We are frapp'd up and shopped out, ready to head to the car. I did my pee-pee check (as we are indoctrinated to do now with 3 potty trained toddlers) and made sure no one had to pee before walking out.
Of course I received a GIGGLING and RESOUNDING, "NO PEE PEE MOMMA! Let's go HOME!"
So, out the door we head.
It was a balmy 85 degrees, and had sprinkled some while we were inside. Basically we walked out into a rainforest. I waddled my way to the car with my little twinnies by my side. I received a few "Any day now" and "are you sure theres only one in there?!" comments on the way out. #typical
As we arrive at the car and climb into our seats Liv starts FRANTICALLY grabbing her crotch and jumping around in her
mid-sugar-rush frenzy yelling "MY PEE PEE IS COMING OUT!!!!"
Yep. EVEN AFTER we checked on pee-pee's before leaving and I got solid confirmation of NO ONE HAVING TO GO PEE, here we are in a panic.
and yes. we are only literally 2.5 miles from our house. But, when Liv has to pee, she gon' pee.
Ask the grocery store clerk how that is after I thought I could get through the check out line and then run to the bathroom just to have her pee on the floor with a line of 26 people behind us.
AND THEN spill a container of blueberries into the puddle of pee.
So, yea. When Liv has to pee, we have to go RIGHT NOW.
and people. we've done this before. we are a year into potty training these fools. I've got the V-Sit hold down, mom elbows resting on the knees, propping her far enough away from my feet to avoid the splash zone.
Girlfriend ain't pee shy, #thanktheLAWD
So we assume the position. In between the passenger door and the drivers door to pretend like we need privacy, but who are we kidding. My 3.5 year old is poppin a squat in a large parking lot and I DARE YOU to come comment about it.
and then it happened.
My 38 week pregnant self is squatting down holding my 30lb toddler with sweat pouring off my face because #rainforest as she pees on the concrete next to our car.
and she shits on the ground.
right there. right in between my feet.
and then laughs.
SHE 👏🏼 SHIT 👏🏼 ON 👏🏼 THE 👏🏼 GROUND 👏🏼 LIKE 👏🏼 A 👏🏼 FREAKIN 👏🏼 DOG 👏🏼.
AND THEN LAUGHED ABOUT IT.
I wasn't prepared for this. No one trained me for "how to react when your kid poops on the ground in public"
OF COURSE, to make situations worse, I JUST DETAILED THE CAR YESTERDAY AND EMPTIED IT OF MY MOM BAG THAT USUALLY RESIDES IN THE TRUNK.
said "mom bag" contains diapers, wipes, extra clothes, and other rando things.
ALL I HAD was Half a pack of thieves wipes in my purse. About 6 total wipes to be exact. I was forced to use one thieves wipe on her bare butt. then rush her into her seat as I bent my LARGE self over a pile of human poop to scrape it off concrete.
I've never run so fast in my life as I did to this trash can with a pile of my child's poop wrapped in wipes in my hand.
and I think I literally PEELED out of the parking spot. Face beet red (probably because I exerted more energy running to the can than I have in 3 months, let's be honest).
With my child laughing her way home.
Happy Sunday, Y'all
May it be filled with far less crap than mine.