Worst parenting experience of my life.

OK IM GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHT HERE. 
If you cant handle TALKING about poop, then just click that "x" in the corner of the screen. Because this involves poop. 

AND IT'S HORRIFYING

Ok. So, today Brandon and I decided to have some boy/girl time. Jack and B went on a "Man Mission" this morning to buy a new lawn mower (which is funny because I'm the one who cuts the grass). That lead to our "girls mission" to be had after nap.

We head to our "mall" aka the BX on post, have a lovely girl time at Starbucks drinking strawberry  frapps and GTLs #sobasic. We rode on the motorized car and helicopter, went up and down the escalator, and bought some putty and minions to bring home to the rest. Ya know, just your typical "best day ever" in the life of a 3.5 year old.

I should have known from the smug look on her face something was coming. 

So, We are frapp'd up and shopped out, ready to head to the car. I did my pee-pee check (as we are indoctrinated to do now with 3 potty trained toddlers) and made sure no one had to pee before walking out.

Of course I received a GIGGLING and RESOUNDING, "NO PEE PEE MOMMA! Let's go HOME!"

So, out the door we head.
It was a balmy 85 degrees, and had sprinkled some while we were inside. Basically we walked out into a rainforest. I waddled my way to the car with my little twinnies by my side. I received a few "Any day now" and "are you sure theres only one in there?!" comments on the way out. #typical

As we arrive at the car and climb into our seats Liv starts FRANTICALLY grabbing her crotch and jumping around in her
mid-sugar-rush frenzy yelling "MY PEE PEE IS COMING OUT!!!!"
Yep. EVEN AFTER we checked on pee-pee's before leaving and I got solid confirmation of NO ONE HAVING TO GO PEE, here we are in a panic. 
and yes. we are only literally 2.5 miles from our house. But, when Liv has to pee, she gon' pee. 
Ask the grocery store clerk how that is after I thought I could get through the check out line and then run to the bathroom just to have her pee on the floor with a line of 26 people behind us. 
AND THEN spill a container of blueberries into the puddle of pee. 

So, yea. When Liv has to pee, we have to go RIGHT NOW. 
and people. we've done this before. we are a year into potty training these fools. I've got the V-Sit hold down, mom elbows resting on the knees, propping her far enough away from my feet to avoid the splash zone. 
Girlfriend ain't pee shy, #thanktheLAWD

So we assume the position. In between the passenger door and the drivers door to pretend like we need privacy, but who are we kidding. My 3.5 year old is poppin a squat in a large parking lot and I DARE YOU to come comment about it. 

and then it happened. 

My 38 week pregnant self is squatting down holding my 30lb toddler with sweat pouring off my face because #rainforest as she pees on the concrete next to our car. 

and she shits on the ground.

right there. right in between my feet.

and then laughs. 

 

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YALL.
SHE 👏🏼 SHIT 👏🏼 ON 👏🏼 THE 👏🏼 GROUND 👏🏼 LIKE 👏🏼 A 👏🏼 FREAKIN 👏🏼 DOG 👏🏼.
AND THEN LAUGHED ABOUT IT. 

I wasn't prepared for this. No one trained me for "how to react when your kid poops on the ground in public"
OF COURSE, to make situations worse, I JUST DETAILED THE CAR YESTERDAY AND EMPTIED IT OF MY MOM BAG THAT USUALLY RESIDES IN THE TRUNK. 
said "mom bag" contains diapers, wipes, extra clothes, and other rando things. 

ALL I HAD was Half a pack of thieves wipes in my purse. About 6 total wipes to be exact. I was forced to use one thieves wipe on her bare butt. then rush her into her seat as I bent my LARGE self over a pile of human poop to scrape it off concrete. 

I've never run so fast in my life as I did to this trash can with a pile of my child's poop wrapped in wipes in my hand.

and I think I literally PEELED out of the parking spot. Face beet red (probably because I exerted more energy running to the can than I have in 3 months, let's be honest).
With my child laughing her way home. 

Happy Sunday, Y'all
May it be filled with far less crap than mine.
 

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Mumbo Jumbo and #alltherandomthings

Our new favorite game in this house is trying to learn to blow up balloons. My favorite part of this game? The way Jack says Balloon

Phonetically: "Balloolololola-nnns" September 2016 balloon collage

IT'S THE GREATEST. and obviously Yaya didn't partake in the balloon blowing, so she just sat around with crusted food on her PJs that she was in all day and chewing on sissy's sunglasses. #thelife

Also, my favorite new phrase to use is "this season of life." haha, I think I saw it in a movie recently, and I now use it everywhere, all the time. "Well, we are in a season of our life where sleep just isn't in the cards." "In this season of life for you, you're allowed to eat 2 creme brûlée a day." " In this season of life, having pee on your hands 50% of the day is just normal." "Luckily this season of your life means that having wine (and only wine) for dinner is absolutely appropriate."

Y'all, I don't know why I'm so obsessed with it.

ANOTHER RANDOM THING. I'm pairing up with @thewhiteoakshoppe on Instagram as a Brand Enthusiast. Home of the "Don't be a Bully" shirt, I LOVE LOVE LOVE her style. First of all, my Mom and Sister are teachers and I've heard one too many bullying stories that literally break my heart into pieces. I just cannot freakin' understand it and the concept that my kids will be going to school in three years (WHAT?!) and that this is such a serious problem scares the crap out of me. It LITERALLY scares me to death.

So, join in on it and grab your "don't be a Bully" shirts and DON'T BE A BULLY. Like my Mom (and your mom, and your mom, and your mom) have always said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, JUST SHUT IT." (ok maybe it goes a little differently...but I JUST GET SO ANGRY WHEN PEOPLE ARE BULLIES)

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You can shop here

AND, bandaids. can we talk about BANDAIDS? I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE. so many bandaids. I mean, I do it because I can't handle the meltdowns x3, but GAH we are spending more money on bandaids then we did on diapers. 😂😂😂 I feel like it would be different if there was a Costco here, but there just isn't. So we are buying 6 boxes of bandaids a week.

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Another terrible thing about bandaids, some leave Liv with THE WORST RASH. At first I thought it was an eczema flare, but its in the perfect shape of bandaid ends. So, the Russian Roulette of bandaid picking drives me nuts.

Anyways, that's been our life these days. Traveling around, pooping on the potty, being big kids, destroying things faster than you can blink, coloring on stuff with clinique chubby sticks, loving us some Peppa Pig, Curious George, and this weird German calymation show called Shaun das Schaf. Oh, and never giving up our wubbs. HA, but even if they go to college with them, then they'll be out of my damn house. SO WHO CARES.

I've decided that in this Season of my life(😂😂😂), I have no time or need for caring about the useless things. Ok. going to bed because DAYSHIFT TOMORROW! All Hail the life of NOT BEING A VAMPIRE! 🙌

WAIT! One more random thing, on the 10 day kid free cruise in the Mediterranean we went on at the end of August (I just like saying it out like that because it sounds just as luxurious as it was and GAH IT WAS SO GOOD), I read two books and realized how much I seriously miss reading books NOT about potty training. So, LAY IT ON ME! your book picks!

Also, if you havent tried the #icedcoconutmilkmochamacchiato (for people like my Mom who will never be able to decipher that hashtag: Iced Coconut Milk Mocha Macchiato) from Buckies...WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. freakin' go now. GO. gah, GET UP AND GO.

<3 Happy September!

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