Motherhood Vulnerability

My first babes are 4. 

Which means for 4 years I’ve literally HATED my body. Every bit of it.
Do you know how hard that is for me to TYPE that let alone admit out loud to someone? My entire life I’ve been fit. Like SUPER fit before getting pregnant. I could deadlift over 200lbs! And then I had a swift and forever changing smack in the face of a triplet pregnancy. 

There were so many things I didn’t know I would mourn.
I mourn the fact that I never got an initial normal pregnancy. I mourn the fact that I was so scared to MOVE let alone exercise in their pregnancy that I literally lost 70% of my muscle mass. I mourn the fact that I’ve been SO OBSESSED with these children that I have literally not given my personal health a second look until this year. (The list goes on and on but I’ll spare you)

NOTHING in my life has gone according to plan. I’m ok with that (now...) because it is LITERALLY a more beautiful life than I could have ever imagined, but I’m a PLANNER! IM A PLANNER, OK? It’s NOT EASY to just “be ok with that” when you’re a PLANNER!

I’ve been on another level of anxiety for LITERALLY 4.5 years and I’m finally coming down to a normal level and breathing for once.  

I’ve dedicated 2018 to self discovery. I need to pour into myself. I need to figure out what I really want and who/what I really want to dedicate my time to. I need to find my happiness outside of kids.  
 *dont get me wrong. My kids make me crazy -do irrational things - scream real loud - embarrass myself in public - HAPPY and I’m legit obsessed with them and every stupid little thing they do every day. 
But I think it’s crazy important to be someone outside of your kids. And I think I’ve lost a lot of that in the last 4 years.

And I think a big part of that is because I don’t FEEL like myself. 

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I had the triplets when I was 25. I was still in the mindset that weight and muscle tone and thigh gaps were the identifying factors of self worth and identity. That may sound super vapid and vain to a lot of people but 🤷🏼‍♀️ it is what it is. That’s where my mindset was. 

Since then... 

I spent a year panicking about the triplets’ health. 
I spent the next year moving to another continent and having another baby.
I spent the year after that adjusting to a HARD reality in a difficult place to raise a large family and attempting to find balance at work and at home.
I spent this last year having another baby and trying to plan our future.

We now have a beautiful healthy family. We have a plan. We have a future.
and I’ve lost myself. 

SO, after a lot of rambling I get back to the fact that I’ve dedicated 2018 to self discovery.
I spent January kind of deciding if I thought that was weird or whiny or crazy or worth it.
I spent February figuring out how to pray intentionally. (DO YOU REALIZE HOW HARD THAT IS? Because I didn’t. I spent a month LEARNING and I’m still just kind of figuring it out)
I’m about to spend March celebrating the vessel that spent 4 years creating 5 amazing humans and learning to love it. Taking a trip for myself with friends, learning how to run for joy again, learning how to love my job again —  so many things.

The funny thing about love - it doesnt have to be perfect to love it. Because nothing is perfect. There is only 1 perfect human and I’ll hopefully meet him someday, but until then I need to learn to love the imperfect. 

I could write another 47 blog posts about living perfectly imperfect. About constantly striving for a more perfect house, wardrobe, photos, for more followers on instagram, for more time for fun and less time for reality, wishing I had different/better talents that what I have - silly silly things that just aren’t attainable. REAL LIFE: I can barely see through my incredibly teary eyes right now, so I’ll save all of that for later. 

So, here I am.   

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Somewhere between 133 and 142lbs of squishy stretch-marked abdomen (did you know that at my height, the army considers 140lbs+ to be OVERWEIGHT 🙄), living in high waisted pants, trying to fit in more squats than donuts because I know that health is crazy important but NOT trying to beat myself up if I indulge in ice cream Fridays with my kids.

Here I am NOT mourning the fact that I have to buy weird bras to fit my mom boobs that have fed five kids because YALL. I’ve fed FIVE KIDS with my body.
Here I am shopping for new bathing suits because I’m determined to wear a two piece this summer and ROCK IT with confidence no matter how weird it feels to be a lot more flabby than the last time I wore one.
Here I am, learning that strong is more mental than it is physical in this season of life for me. 

Here I am. Ready to love myself again, love my family more, and find some peace in self discovery + relearning self worth. ❤️